Denny

XOXOXO
CAT

I am confused. I have read the other comments on the lovely Mint and they are not the cleanest comments and nor do they have much substance. I write something from my heart about Mint in true light… beautiful and honest and sincere and the post is denied

I read the interview and her answers brought back memories of she and I having long conversations about some of the same things… Mint’s a cool broad and I miss her… what’s so wrong about that?

XOXOXO
CAT

I would like to begin this letter by stating that I am NOT trying to ruin Mint’s career… I am trying to get some closure on a situation that has left me totally sad and heartbroken… I have been so down and in a great deal of personal pain over what may have been a complete hoax or a serious beautiful interraction between two frightened individuals wanting the same thing; but afraid of turning each other’s worlds upside down… Fellas, I don’t want to steal Mint away from you.. I am a former porn actress myself and according to this interview she doesn’t like girls anyway… so either she pretented to be interested or it wasn’t her… I have saved AOL conversations and emails and facebook letters from either Mint or an imposter… can anyone help me clear it up??
Any further questions can be emailed to me at countesslovely@yahoo.com…. if you can find her just mention my name and see what happens… oh and by the way… It is now July 3rd… her birthday

Here are my blogs:

June 9 6:15pm | Edit Entry | Delete

Mood: lonely
It’s the day before my birthday and I am smack dab in the middle of healing a broken heart…

Because I have been dumped with no explaination or a way to reply to this person, I have to find true closure in my one and only blog on the situation.

About 2 months ago, I introduced myself to a person on FaceBook that I thought at first glance was strikingly beautiful… I mean just absolutely gorgeous!! I sent her a message there and really didn’t expect a response. What was so cool was the fact that she DID reply and we began to correspond almost daily through letters on FaceBook.

We wrote about everything on our minds, our likes and dislikes and even what we did on a daily… It felt as if I was getting to know her from the inside out and visa versa. I have to be honest, I felt more comfortable with her than I had with anyone I met in person in a long while. We desired each other’s company online and I think we were filling voids in each other through kind words and the idea that there just may be a chance for love again.

After a couple of weeks, she revealed that she was transsexual. Mind you, I am more likely to carry on a relationship with a woman and not a man. However, when she told me that… strangely enough, I didn’t mind. In fact, it made me feel more for her because it meant that she was brave and alone in this world and instead of settling for what society expected of her.. she took steps to be who she knew she was. I admired that about her and I had no problem accepting the news and accepting her as a person and hopefully as time went on, as my lover.

What really blows my mind is that she was just as responsive to me… just as loving and sincere to me and gave me the sense of acceptance I too was longing for. According to her story, she was about to travel abroad and lost her usage of FaceBook due to explicit photos… we then moved our chat from FaceBook to AOL… This move was even bettter…. we had instant responses to each other and it gave us both an opportunity to show better emotion online. I pushed for a phone call… but she explained that she had two scary experiences with men that she gave her number to. I cared for her so I respected that and never pushed again…

Once she was out of the country and the AOL began.. we chatted for 4 hours at a time at least twice per day for two weeks straight… during that time, we chatted about EVERYTHING… things that I had never really shared with anyone and I felt as if she was doing the same. She expressed so much love to me and so much desire to start a family and live together …. THE WORKS… Can you believe it!!?? I actually contemplated having a child with her.. yes a child.. because even though she is Transsexual… she kept her penis… I really began to love her and she made me feel as if she loved me too…

Now, remember today is the day before my birthday… she told me that she was going to visit me for the first time on my birthday and see if we matched up in person like we had online… there was excitement and nervousness on both our parts… So she flew out to come back to America Friday night/Sat morning I think… I wake up Sat morning…. to read THIS….

“Hi Cat…. I’m sorry….I just can’t do this….I wish you all the best in the world…..Love Sally”

AND THAT’S IT…. no explaination, nothing…. oh and here’s what really broke me into a million peices….I tried to reply to the email and all my letters get bounced back.. so I can’t even reply to her… she has removed herself from my life in one sentence… just like that it’s over.

This experience has left me feeling confused… I wish I could share with you the actual conversations…I have most of them saved because I was planning to give her a beautiful framed display of our kind words to each other on her birthday as a gift. I will never forget her… and I will never forget this birthday… not only that…. the compassion I felt for her and the love I had in my heart for us… will not go away overnight.

I guess I can come away from this experience knowing that I CAN love again… but the pain I feel now is deeper than I can describe… I certainly hope that after I press send on this blog…I can also send away my feelings for her… the emotional damage is severe… I was getting myself prepared to maybe meet my soul mate tomorrow… I was prepared to give her and us the love we have both dreamed of and the loyalty that most relationships are missing…

I miss her… I genuinely miss the idea of being in love and beginning a good life with a woman that was thoughtful and kind and loving… I just want to know… why she left me…

I want to know… but I never will because she has made every effort to try to heal herself I think… she is sad to have done what she did to get me out of her mind.. I know that…

So…. Sally, if you are out there…. I too wish you all the best and if you ever come back to me… I will have a special place for you in my heart always…my words are and will remain sincere and when July 3rd comes around I will light a candle and just htink of you on your birthday…. I love you from within always and I hope you sometimes will think of me…….

June 14 3:57pm | Edit Entry | Delete

Mood: hopeful
Okay… so I have been feeling like after that last experience with love, it would be a good idea to relax. Just let go of the internal pressure to find THE ONE…

Oh! Before I forget, I wanted to extend a THANK YOU to those of you that had a personal hand in being in my life during this experience!! Seriously, Over this past week, I have truly been touched by your love and loyalty towards my well-being. You all know I would do exactly the same for you… be there to support you and care for you as much as I’m capable…

So my update is this… Instead of focussing on what I didn’t get out of being bamboozled, I will just focus on what I have gained through this experience…. I realized most of all, that love can come in any medium… it isn’t just isolated to a face to face body to body experience…

Love can actually be felt through the power of imagination and hope… What you say to someone through the computer can have a great impact on the reader… If there is a good person there taking in what you write, they will examine the words chosen and translate them to be truth. When one is trusting they tend to trust. That is what happened in my case.

I believe in giving my all to you from the beginning and trust that you are just as upstanding as I am. Once proven wrong through displaying a lack of loyalty and honesty, we are not a match. I gave my all to what could have been an exact match to what I envision to be my soulmate. I can’t fault myself for holding on to that hope. The hope we all have had or have… the hope to find that special someone that is just on your level… someone that will encourage only greatness out of us… I will not let go of that hope just because this was all a hoax…

I have learned that with heartache….there is healing. So…UPDATE… I feel empowered!

June 20 4:06am | Edit Entry | Delete

Mood: numb
Ok. It’s a little after 3AM and I just got home from ‘TigerHeat’ at Avalon Hollywood… Great night, by the way…

On another note though… since my last blog… I have been determined to eliminate Sally Nguyen from my head just as I feel she has been able to do with me. My attempts have still failed

Even at this moment, she is on the forefront of my mind and taking up MOST of my heart. I have gone on ONE date since losing her and honestly, I feel bad for the girl… because she got a shell of what once was a vibrant and fun woman. The remains that Sally left me with are but a hollow shell of what I once was…

I truly miss chatting with her until the wee hours of the morning and sharing some of my most intimate thoughts and dreams. I sigh sometimes when I think of us because I truly believe that we are missing out on an AWESOME connection…

Anyways, back to my QUEST to recover and ‘move on’ as my friends would put it… Tonight I went to Avalon with some NEW friends. A very very cute group of kids that have, without knowing, taken me under their wings and re-introduced me to life as THEY know it… Instead of grabbing hold of those wings they gave effortlessly to me to hold, I still could not shake SALLY from my thoughts. In fact, I went so far as to dig up the few photos (something she can’t take away from me) of her to show them. (the cleaner ones of course)

For those of you that KNOW me personally, you know that this WOMAN opened up something in me that, before her, was dormant and almost non-existent. To my friends, I just want to make this clear… I have tried to FORGET her… I have tried and tried not to automatically wake up at 3AM every morning (because around this time she is preparing for work). I have made an effort to date and meet women that actually WANT to spend time with me… BUT… she is just here…

I can truly say that I have almost touched the gates of heaven in my correspondences with Sally… I truly believe that we could have actually settled down and built the life that we chatted about for HOURS AND HOURS daily… I am not sure what will take her off my mind… I am not sure at all…

When I lay down to sleep she is the last thought in my head… feelings of REGRET that maybe I said something to scare her off…. almost BLAMING myself for what has happened…. When awake… I have more positive thoughts of feeling like TODAY IS THE DAY… the day that maybe I will go a full hour without thinking of her… Funny how this works… when you think that the computer is just another venue to vent…pretend…provoke without guilt or remorse…. to spit negative or positive thoughts without any true punishment or praise… someone like me comes along to remind you all that EVERTHING you say OR imagine while you are online can easily be taken as truth and taken to heart…because, you know what…? I am in love… For once in a great while, I felt SEXY… I felt NEEDED and CARED FOR… and even though I can never walk in the shoes of a transsexual, I think that those elements are desired in their hearts too…

I am in love with what could possibly be a complete fraud… or the reflection of a scared and sweet person with nothing to gain by cutting off maybe the one person on this planet that accepted her for who she really is… or who she wants to be… Tonight on my drive home from Avalon, I realized that I just have to accept that Sally will be a blessing and a curse to me for quite sometime to come… a blessing because I have felt love again and believe me, I NEVER thought that was possible after all I have gone through. A curse because… tasting that sweet taste of love and having that sour after-taste of loss and heartache now… WOW… it is tough to bounce back…

Maybe to some of you I seem obsessed or maybe like I am beating a dead horse into the ground… think about that one person in your life that had a deep powerful impact… just think for a second… That is what this Sally Situation has done to me… I am just trying to figure out how to take something so powerful and weaken it with time…

If any of you have any insight on how I could do that… PLEASE enlighten me… lend a hand and a story in my direction… I am asking for some help to HEAL… because right now, I am being tortured with never knowing if I have lost my soulmate or met my worst enemy….